It's a Rum Thing
by Exdeamon
Summary: A couple years old story writen on the whim of the moment turned into the longest, biggest, most epic beer filled adventure to save the world, filled with cheesy, slap stick humour and a load of everything else, look no further than this masterpeice. R
1. Pub 'ployment

Right, first submission and its not even my own story. Don't worry, I have my friends permission to post his work, along with his blessings

This is basically a story about saving the world. However, saving the world may never have been as crudely humoured as this. We used our own characters and our friends character with their permission aswell.

The entire stoy has already been writen, but to prevent overdoses of laughter, i shall split it up into a number of chapters and Update every two or three days.

Disclaimer: No one involved in the making of this owns RuneScape or its creator, nore do we own any characters that have been derived from or inspired by any games other than RuneScape. WE do, however, own all cahracter that have been included within the story that are not NPC's and have at one point hed a membership to said game. Asda is also none of our property, and jsut happened to be convenient on the keyboard. Neither do we own the copyright for QWERTY keyboards. Hope this suffices(we don't own that word either).

To play it safe, we dont own anything. Any reference to real life people is exactly that, a referance, not a claim to ownership or purposeful slander, jsut good humour.

Now, on with the story

Runescape! – THE WHOLE WORLD

The Warriors, Tramps and Legends

Wombomtom Arralius- Lazy, Scimitar wielding beggar/mentalist

Qwertyasda Arralius- The Wife of the lazy beggar/ Warrior Prophet

Ravi 'The Dwarf' - Good at being short.

Jchan 001- Evil cheating scum.

Josh- A Piffling Noob.

Ravster- Josh and Ravi often go begging together. His profession? Dunno.

Among other begging noobs and rich yellow bellied bastards with fat legs. 

_Wombomtom and Qwerty, 15__th__ January… _

The Story starts at Falador, south of the White Knights castle. Wombomtom stretches his arms and sighs. Qwertyasda tossed and turned last night, a lot. It must have been the Make Over mages 'Side effects.'

Reaching for his armour, and his money, Wombomtom set of to the general store.

The Usual rabble. "Black sword for 500gp, helmet thrown in…" Bastards. They didn't know a good deal when they saw one; and, besides, he already had what he wanted. A wife, loads of cash, and a crafting level of 38. Qwerty would cook up something nice, maybe some wine, if she'd managed to get a cooking level of 50. Whistling the Tune to _always look__on the bright side of life_, Wombomtom set of to find his wife something nice. Crap. The lot. Its all crap 'n' crazy here.

_Shamir2_

Up early, to the fountain straight away, ply his trade, off to the pub for a Wizard Mind Bomb. Still in debt, though, Shamir reminded himself. He owed Qwerty something like 10k, and maybe more if kept on saying "Hoe" Or "Qwerty go to Asda" etc. He wondered how Tom was doing. Shamir was old now and really should stop spilling Goblin guts.

After being spat at several times by unhappy customers, and being called a Noob more than 20, Shamir set of to the pub, to drown his sorrows.

"Hi Johnny", he said to the drunk who was mumbling in the corner.

"Wadyasay? I only had a couple of pints. Yadunnowhatitfeelsliketobeme!" He sings.

Shamir shook his head and went to the barman.

"A Glass of your finest, please, barman!"

"There you go. That'll be 2gp."

WHY does he always say the same thing?

Shamir unsheathed his sword and lunged at the Barman. Taken by surprise, the barman showed no resistance and his blood stained the wooden floor.

"Why did you do that?" asks josh, coming up from behind.

"Josh! What are you doing here?"

"Where is the barman?" Josh asks, looking suspiciously at the blood stained carpet. "Looks like someone got a bit mental. Did you know? There is supposed to be a maniac on the loose, killing people who say the same thing twice. Did he pop in to say hello to the Barman?"

"Um…ummmmm….. look, I've got a chicken on the boil….. the cats locked out… HELP ME!!"

Shamir, running as fast as he can, runs all the way to Al-Kharaid, without stopping.

_Ravi 'The Dwarf' Kotecha, 16 January 2005_

"Geez. Can't a man get a bit of rat meat in this place? Please help me, my lord," he says to the lvl 50."I'll do anything. ANYTHING!!"

"Push off, Pleb. I have to have tea with my partner- life is very tiring if I keep working at this rate…."

Ravi sunk to his knees, and started sobbing. Yes, he was Lvl 30 up, but he still (for some reason or other) couldn't hold onto his money.

And suddenly…

A man in glittering black armour walks down the street, gives money to a tramp, and skips towards him, like a happy school girl. He hails him.

"Hail, Dwarf! The mining season not being favourable?"

"Piss off."

"I know Dwarves have a negative attitude, but this is ridiculous."

"Newsflash pal: A: I'm not a Dwarf. B. You are annoying me with your erotic fancies of peace. I wanna kill something.

"Do you really… How do I address you?"

"Ravi, my 'Lord'."

"Well, I am Wombomtom Arallius. And I can help you." Ravi's huge ears pricked up. Employment? That word had fallen out of use in his department.

"Help me in what way, sonny?" He glanced above his head. "You're a level 25. Not the sort of person to go around employing people..."

His cheeks went red. "Look, Dwar… I mean you vertically challenged freak, I could render your head from your body in a matter of seconds. See how sharp this Scimitar is? Very sharp, wouldn't you agree? And it likes chopping heads of people _who talk ALL the time._"

Ravi nodded his head frantically up and down, trying to refrain from speaking.

"You want me to tell you? I know with your limited intellect you haven't understood a word I have just said."

"Yes, something along those lines…"

"YOU said you wanted to kill. And you shall." Wombomtom knelt down to him, whispering: "Do you want to be an assassin?"

"WHAT THE FLYING PIG???"  
Wombomtom drew his scimitar out, waving it at him. "You idiot! Do you want to wake the whole of Runescape? Yes, an assassin. 500- yes, 500 you hapless weakling- 500gp per kill."

"Who will I be killing?"

"Good question. Do you know someone called Jchan?"

He put on a fake thoughtful look. "…Maybe."

"Of course you have. He is your target. My family is in debt to him, I want you to take care of him."  
"I don't have a weapon."

"Wait a sec…. take this." He gave him a mythril long-sword, an iron dagger and a longbow.

"This is all you need…. The operation planning will be in Barbarian Village. Meet me there."

"Yes, sir. Thanks. Jchan will be in a ditch, with an arrow in his chest."

"Excellent."

_Wombomtom_

Waiting in Barbarian Village was a bore. He checked a nearby sundial- he should have been here 15 minutes ago.

"Hello, stranger."

He turned around, to see nothing.

"Down here, you idiot."

"Looking down to the ground every time I have to meet you. This will take getting used to."

"And who's this?"

Looking behind him, he saw a woman with tits the size of the sun and wearing monks robes. She didn't look very sober.

"Who am I? WHO AM I!? Wait a minute… who am I?

"Drink some water. Oh, Ravi, this is my wife. Qwertyasda."

"The perfect couple… a pompous fool married to a drunk."

"You're pushing it."

"She reminds me of Jordan after a couple of pints."

Wombomtom ignored him and went into the pub. Nothing changed here.

Wombomtom sat down, his wife also. Ravi had to sit on several chairs to reach the table.

"Well, we are gathered here to discuss the 'taking care of' Jchan. Agreed?"

"Agreed!" shouts Qwertyasda. "Lets drink to that!"

"Lets not. Anyway," says Ravi, "Is this everyone in the operation?"

"No. We have 2 other operatives: Shamir 2 and Adam."

"How good are they?"

"Not very good, to be fair. Shamir is a good operative; but Adam gets drunk most of the time. Adam suggested we should ask Jchan if he wanted to die and chuck some pants at him."

"Is your wife in it too?"

"Yes. She may not look it now, but she is Guthix's Jesus. She is balanced.."

"Apart from the fact her chest is bigger than the rest of her…"

"Let us put our big, animated heads to work. Equipment check…"

Wombomtom pulled out his check list.

"Sword?"

"Check."

"Shield?"

"Check."

"Beer… BEER? Who put that on the list?" Everybody turned to Qwertyasda.

"What are you staring at? Blame the dwarf, dear. He's looking at me suspiciously."

"Oh shit. Beer it is."

_What will happen to our friends? Will they succeed with their plan? Or fail miserably? Find out in the next episode: CHAN CLAN._


	2. Chan Clan

Well... a little less hits and reveiws than I'd like to give to my friends work, but good things come to those who wait.

Here it is, Chapter two, "Chan Clan"

Same disclaimers as what i said last time. don't own anything.

And in the immortal words of many a fanfictioner, Read & Reveiw. My friend and I eagerly await all responses, be it a flame or not. the suspense is worse than the punishment.

Enjoy.

_Jchan001- Secret Location, somewhere in Lvl 50 wilderness..._

"….And I said to the man 'I'll give you 200gp for the adamant battleaxe!' and he said yes!" JC started laughing deeply.

"Excellent, milord," pipes up Austin Saul, JC's personal butler. _The__master never tires of his own jokes, _He thought, while polishing the master's holy symbol.

"Call my spies!"

Austin Saul picked up a small gold bell and rung it non-stop. Then his bumbling fools Ravster and Josh stumbled into the room.

"…Your wish….." Starts Ravster.

"……Is our command!"

"We are…."

"THE BEGGING BROTHERS!"

"Yes, alright. We aren't in the west end. No need for the dancing girls to come out. Anyway, what have you got for me?"

"That's a good one, sir. Of course, we never get anything, being the idiots that we are."

"But we got something this time!" Ravster cuts in.

"And what would that be?" says JC, leaning forward on his stolen throne, made out of solid gold.

"Two things; 1. I got drunk."

JC cannot contain his anger. "IS THAT IT? YOU SILLY SAUSAGES! DECAPITATE THEM, BEFORE I DO SOMETHING VIOLENT!!!!"

"Wait! There's one more thing, sir…."

"Yes? Well?"

"There's a plot by the GGSP; The Gufix Gospel Spreading Prophets; to kill you."

"No Change there, then. How many times have they attempted to kill me? 5? 10?"

"This is different. They've got someone new. Completely off the record."

"Jenkins!" Cries JC. "Scan the records!"

"It's Austin, sir…"

"I don't care, Augustus! Scan for 'Assassins of GGSP'!"

"Of course, sir."

Austin picked out a dusty old book, blew it, and opened the page. Reading it in front of JC, he quoted from the book:

"One day Barney went for a picnic. The Sun was shining and had a happy grin, and all his friends were there…"

"Are you sure you searched under 'Assassins'?"

Austin looked at the cover. "Whoops, that's "A Lovely Day for a Picnic."

"IMBECILE! IF YOU DO THAT AGAIN…."

"It won't happen again. Yes sir, of course sir, stop spitting on me sir…."

"Well, well. What a happy couple."

Everyone turned around to look at a figure, but couldn't see one.

"IT'S A GHOST!" Screamed Josh.

"Look down here. I try to make a surprise entrance, but all I get is 'Where is he?'"

"If you trespass further, I'm afraid I'll have to kill you." Said Austin, brandishing a bow.

"Can't do that, my friend. You see your pals who said exactly the same thing. Their in the gutter."

Arrows started to fly. Ravster and Josh pulled out their daggers from their belts. The dwarf ducked, and being as small as he is, was hard to hit. He pulled out his own dagger and hit Josh in the leg.

"Mother Fucker! I'll get you for that…."

Jchan was quite amused. Watching all this fighting was fun. He knew he could finish them off in one blow, but refrained from attacking them. It was like being almighty.

Ravi the Dwarf had decided he wasn't going to win this fight. This was just a skirmish, nothing more. He had a full map of the base. Once he had his employers with him he would be unstoppable, and once JC had been finished off, he would kill the deadly duo, Qwertyasda and Wombomtom.

"All In due course." Ravi said, running away from the clan.

Jchan didn't want him to escape. Sending 2 consecutive Air Blasts at Ravi, he started running. Snatching a bow of Austin Saul, he shot several arrows after him. JC had never been a good archer. As Ravi was running away, he shouted:

"You won't escape alive! Even if you do escape, I guarantee that you will be dead in 24 hours! It's a win-win situation!" He started laughing to himself. The dwarf was a fool. They can't storm this fortress, not with the biggest army ever.

"Don't worry. It was a cinch getting in here; it'll be easy getting out."

Ravi jumped over a row of spikes popping up from the floor and pulled down the drawbridge. Running as fast as he could, he made his way back to the Varrock north gate.

_Wombomtom_

"Well? Did you finish him off?" Said Wombomtom, sipping his Asgarnian Ale.

"Well…Sort of…. What, did I kill him? Um, no."

"Damn! What are we going to do?"

"Vell, I haf an idea."

Wombomtom, Ravi and Qwertyasda turned round to look at a mad scientist. He wore great big glasses which looked like they'd been pulled from the 80's and into today.

He turned to look at Ravi. "And hoo is this? A very strange specimen."

"My names Ravi, who the hell are you?"

"Adam LMGS at you're service, sir. I am zee best forger of weaponz, gadgetz and other stuff you know you want in Vunescape! Apart from the dwarves ov course."

"Well, Adam, what do you have for us?" Asked Wombomtom.

"Good Question. It is called a 24 hour strength potion. This baby is worth more than all the items you can imagine! And I have a whole a lab of them! Isn't that wonderful!"

"Have you got anything on cosmetic surgery? My breasts…." Questioned Qwertyasda.

"Lets not talk about that. Now, where were we?" Hurried Wombomtom.

"Ja, Ja, I remember. Anyhoo, several drops of this and you are strong enough even to uproot a tree! For 24 hours! I know you're situation. You are never going to beat Jchan and his goons without being stronger then him. Assassination is completely out of za question."

"Well, you've completely solved our problems, Prof. Can you supply us with some of this potion?"

"Vell, no. You see, I need a special ingredient to complete zee formula. According to ancient documents, the ingredient is… here."

"The Saradomin monastery? Come off it. We've wrecked havoc there plenty of times. We would have found this ingredient."

"I haven't told you what it is yet. The Documents say: 'In Saradomin the Sacreds Monastery thou will find the lifeblood of Saradomin; The Beer of Scopi. When thou drinks this sacred drink they will be a demi god from dawn to dusk.' Adam closed the tattered book. "Zat is vat you haf to find."

"Where in the monastery can we find it?"

"Go to zee cabbage patch. Under the middle cabbage you vill dig until you hit something solid. Zat will be the grave of the first Abbot. Dig up the grave and you will find a barrel of the Beer."

"We'll go right now. Thank you, Professor."

"God speed, my friends. May Guthix be with you!"

_Well, with chapter two down and chapter three coming soon out intrepid adventurers are off to find the magical alcohol. Will they succeed or fail utterly as they seem to be doomed to? Find out in the next chapter, Monestary M__ayhem!_


	3. Monestary Mayhem

**Chapter 3: Monastery Mayhem**

"Catastrophe! WE'RE DOOMED!" Cries Qwertyasda.

"What is it?" says Wombomtom, half asleep, the other half, as usual, not being put too much use.

"We have no more beer!"

"And how is that a reason to panic?"

"Well…um…. We won't be very happy for the remainder of the journey?"

Ravi, at the back of the band of three, tutted silently. They'll learn their lesson soon enough.

"Watch out. We're in Dwarf territory. Being half-dwarf, we may get by, but watch yourselves. Ravi, have your axe ready. Oh, here's the checkpoint." They walked slowly towards a small group of armed men.

"Drop your weapons. We know who you are. Terrorists. Our informant was correct." A hooded figure approached Ravi, and took his axe. He turned to Wombomtom, and lifted up the hood. "Remember me, Tom? He asked Wombomtom.

"Shamir! God, you gave me a fright- how's tricks?"

"Good, as you can tell. Saradomin supporters have been 'strangely disappearing' around these parts. I have a small band of men, but what brings you here?"

"Sorry, Sham, but that's only for me to know and for you to find out", He winked.

"As you wish. But hey: I have some secrets as well. See you later, drinks on me!"

After walking a short distance Ravi looked up at Wombomtom and said, "Another one of your undercover friends?"

"Yes, who else would he be?"

"Just thinking."

"Here we are: Saradomins Monastery."

Waking up the steps and past the sculptures of heeded monks, Qwertyasda was growling deeply at the propaganda against Guthix.

"How dare they, those peace loving, bald nitwits! Why don't we just hack 'em down? "

"Because Guthix says we must display our intentions before harming someone."

"Ok, I'll hold my anger. Don't expect it to last."

Wombomtom walked up to the nearest monk. "O Brother, can you heal me?"

"Of course," The bald idiot replied.

After being healed, he announced loudly:" HA! With my cunning deception I have caught you unawares! O Guthix: My reason to kill this fool is because he is an idiot!" He then raised his sword and chopped his body in half. "ATTACK!"

Qwertyasda was busy tackling several monks single handed; Ravi was swinging his axe wildly. But more monks were closing in fast with quick fire spells.

"This isn't as easy as I thought! Ok; RETREAT!"

"Not so fast, Tom. You never know when there are friends around."

On top of the monastery, crouching with his cloak drooping over him, was Shamir. Several of his war bands raised their bows.

"Fire!"

Monks were falling rapidly, and the fighting resumed. They were pushed against the wall and slaughtered. Arrows blotted out the suns rays.

"Damn!" said Wombomtom. "I forgot a spade! Hey you, Monkey Monk, have you got a spade?"

"Ye...Ye...yes… here you go…"

"Thanks. Go and tell Falador they are next."

He ran of screaming. The whole of the monastery was a vampire's diet for a week. Blood ran down the walls.

"I think we're finished here. Let's dig up the patch."

Shamir leapt down from the roof to spectate. After a few minutes of digging, they heard a hollow _thunk._

"That'll be it. Bring it up."

Shamir brought it up smiling. "Looks like that friend of yours, Jchan, has a sense of humour. Have a look at this!"  
Opening the note on top of the barrel, he read:

_Dear GGSP,_

_I am sorry to disappoint you. I'm sure you were looking forward to having some of Scopi's stardust beer. But I'm afraid, with my many resources of spying, I got here first. So I say this: HAHAHAHA! YOU SUCKERS! I will be toasting a drink to you tonight on your stupidity._

_But more to the point, this may come of more concern to your lives. Falador has been alerted by me, and a small group of White Knights is coming towards you right this second. You may be happy to know that I hold your Prof, Adam, as hostage. Come and free him if you wish. But I sincerely disagree with the thought you may try and fight Greater Demons._

_Yours Sincerely,_

_Jchan._

_P.S. After reading this, an inferno will blow this message up. You have been warned. Oh, and to drown your sorrows, the barrel has Asgarnian 95 in it._

_Enjoy!_

Wombomtom scrunched up the paper and chucked it into the wilderness.

"I'll kill that idiot one day."

Ravi squeaked, "That was what you employed me for."

"I DON'T EMPLOY YOU FOR YOUR OPINION!"

They were silent for a few minutes, as the inferno from the note was burning up half the Wilderness.

"Well, look on the bright side," Said Qwertyasda. "At least we have beer. Help yourself to a glass."

"We're going to Jchan, personally."

"I'm coming too!" Says Ravi.

"Me too!" Says Qwertyasda.

"I don't know where you're going, but I'm going with you!" Announces Shamir.

Everybody turned around and gave him the 'You Dumbass' look.

"What?"

"Never mind."

_Wilderness, Jchans Fort Of Despair_

"Like the tagline for my evil keep? 'Fort of Despair.' The GGSP will obviously want to save the century confused Professor, but if the name doesn't scare them of, then a few arcane spells will."

"Of course, sir. I was told by the captain of the guard, Baldur, to tell you smuggled Cannon from Lumbridge is being set up. Last time, the man we know as 'Dwarf' managed to get in past arrow fire. But lets see how a pack of them gets past cannon fire!"

_With such big guns in the path of our hero's destinies, will they have their worldly experiences cut short? Find out in the next chaoter: Mind Malarkey!_  



	4. Mind Malarkey

Right, sorry if there was any confusion... This may seem like a double post, but infact there was a chapter mix-up. after revising and reposting, I've managed to seperate the chapters into more easily readable chuncks for everyone who bothered to read this.

Yeah, its only been up four about a week, and yeah its got four chapters, but I owuld expect more than eight hits in that time. Ahh well, make do with what your given.

For those who have read this story; enjoy. It's the least you can do for us.

Standard discalimers apply, as does the one in the first chapter.

Chapter 4: Mind Malarkey 

_Jchan, Fort Of Despair Torture Chamber_

"Talk!"

_Bang. _Adam was whacked over the head with the hilt of a sword.

"Tell us the formula!"

"Nezzer! A Scientist nezzer reveals his findings…"

"Nezzer," says the dumbfounded guard, "What kind of foreign language is this?"

"Gangalplop lagoosh shardof! Nazzergoon!"

"Duh… I think he gone cuckoo, Sarge."

"I have an idea..." he brought the guard into the corner of the room. "I heard that his weakness is beer. Bring me the finest vintage, but don't tell Chan. He'll flip."

"Duh… yes boss."

The guard came in, holding a huge barrel of what was supposed to be Wine.

"Here; get that down your gullet."

Adam drank it, like he hadn't drunk it in years, and his head started swinging. He spilled the beans almost instantly.

"You want me to tell you? Oh, yes, I'll tell you. I'll tell you… using my fists!" At that moment he broke from the bonds tying him to a chair.

"You fool! That was the strength potion! Even without his stupid formulae the potion lasts a minute!"

Adam made short work of them and started equipping himself for an escape.

"That should do it. A Steel Kiteshield; a Mithril Longsword and an oak bow. More than formidable: I'm a walking tank."

Walking out of the interrogation chamber, he heard the alarms scream. A group of amateur guards stopped in front of him.

"Stop, infidel! Your resistance is useless!"

"Oh yeah?" Using all the strength he could muster, he used several runes from the interrogation chamber to blow the whole group into the wall. He moved towards them and whispered:

"This is the part where you run away."

The guards got of and scrambled out of the room, running for the gates.

_Meanwhile, on Fort Of Despair Plains Of Doom,_

"Right. Does everyone know the plan?"

A small muffled 'yes' came from the band of warriors.

"Well, LET EM HAVE IT, BOYS!" Shouted Wombomtom, sword raised high.

They charged, but halted almost immediately. A huge cannonball came, splitting the sky, everyone jumped out the way of it. After a huge crash, they went towards the crater the missile had left. They saw something written on it.

_Hope you like the small present. JC_

"TAKE COVER!"

_Whoosh. Whoosh. _A torrent of cannonballs was now falling all over the area. The band took cover under a nearby rockslide.

"Here's plan B. I know about these types of cannon: Dwarf Multicannons. They have a high blast radius, and can fire up to 500ft. I suggest that we stay here and wait."

"Wait HERE?" cried Ravi K. "WAIT HERE? Are you insane? We have a ton load of cannonballs raining down on our skulls, and you say WAIT HERE?"

"Be quiet! Someone's coming out the castle."

The drawbridge fell with a thunk, and the group could vaguely see a small, plump figure emerging from the fog. It was Adam.

As soon as the gunners noticed this, they directed their fire onto him. Adam ducked and dodged as he was bombarded. At last a cannonball rained on him and caught his leg. He looked at his leg in horror. He started bleeding profusely, swearing all the way. After a short bout of running, he fell in front of Wombomtom, gasping.

"Tom! Take za formula and go. I have no hope to live longer in life….."

He suddenly went into hysteria. "Woods. Mountains. Oceans. Towers of the purest Stone. The ones who are there…." He faded off on his final words.

Qwertyasda moved along to the body of Adam and cried out the final death ritual so Adam should pass through to Guthix. They bowed their heads to the body, picked it up, and carried it all the way to the Dwarven Mines.

"May you rest in peace, Adam. A good man, a good Guthixian. May he look down and smile."

The winds blew the trees nearly out of their roots, meaning Guthix's appreciation.

_Back at GGSP HQ_

'This is a terrible loss. Operations cannot continue until we have filled in this gap. Any suggestions?"

Qwertyasda, being their main intelligent operative, took the opportunity.

"Look, its pretty simple, dear. You heard his last words? He means us to find other means of a formula. JC won't be able to ship anything for a long time. He got hacked."

"How do you know this? This is great news! I estimate we have a month, at the least, before he regroups. Pack the bags. We're going."

"And just as I was about to say 'Home sweet home." muttered Ravi.

The cart was loaded with provisions (A whole lot of Dwarven Stout for most people was the diet) and weapons prepared. From the HQ in the mountains, the fellow members waved goodbye and wandered back into the Guthixian Caverns. Little did they know that they were being watched…..


	5. Route 175

Well, a special one now... we got us a personal message from the author this time. Ofcourse for safety reasons i censor such things for anmes and places that might give much away. Not that i dont trust the authors here, but other people might... y'know.

_Episode 5, and we are halfway through the epic adventure. Qwertyasda is trying to explain to Ravi what a computer is, but is so far unsuccessful._

_Hope you enjoy it, and laugh at it as much as I have._

Well, nive isn't he? 'Course he is, otherwise he wouldn't be my friend.

As he said, enjoy. And c'mon, I may be a sad excuse of life, but even sad excuses of life need reveiws!

Chapter 5: Highway 17.5

_Episode 5, and we are halfway through the epic adventure. Qwertyasda is trying to explain to Ravi what a computer is, but is so far unsuccessful._

_Hope you enjoy it, and laugh at it as much as I have._

On their way to Port Sarim, the group ground to a halt.

"Now, look here, Ravi. I'm telling you, we're all like pawns in a game of chess!"

"What's chess?" asked Ravi, puzzled.

"I can't explain anything to you two. We lose a valued member of the group, and now we have to find whatever Adam left behind for us. The old sod. Couldn't he have just left it at HQ?" Cursed Qwertyasda.

"That would be to obvious. I've always thought we've had a spy in our ranks, but never been able to prove it. I think we're close now. Look busy." Announced Wombomtom.

As the cart slowly trundled along the road, the group looked to the pavement. Banana trees are abundant here, and poor noobs earning their wages from the quartermaster trudged back to work.

"The poor idiots. Here," said Qwertyasda, "Take 1K."

"Whoa, thanks, missus!" Said the leather wearing banana picker.

"Oh, how _Noble _of you, Qwerty. I'm sure he'll rise up and kill you one day." Said Ravi.

"Its called being a true Guthixian," Said Qwertyasda, "Nothing you'll know about."

"Will you two stop bloody well fighting? We have a world to save from a Zamorak descendant, and all you can talk about is poverty?"

"Yes!" They both shouted. Wombomtom concentrated on the road to the port, and let them quarrel.

"Hey, gibba gibba, Mr. T is sellin all sorts a goods to any fool who wants em! I PITY DA FOOL!"

(_"Who the hell is that?" Whispered Ravi._

"_I don't know, but he looks like the kind of guy we could pump for information." whispered Wombomtom back.)_

"Go on dear," said Wombomtom, "Go park the cart."

Qwertyasda grumbled as she thought she was going to miss out on all the action. Ravi and Tom walked cautiously over to the huge gangster.

"And what choo be wantin wit Mr. T? Mr. T don't like non-players."

"We're players. And what's more, I'll kick your sorry gangster ass around this port if you don't tell us where the Formula is." Ravi pouted out insults and thought he was doing good. Wombomtom put a finger to his lips, but Ravi had not noticed.

"And what formula would this be, stumpy?" He howled with laughter and Ravi started growling. He leapt out at Mr. T and put his sword to his neck.

"Look here, I can tell you know where the formula is. Tell me or I kill you."

"Whoa, Whoa, calm down there, little boy. I'll tell you. Come with me…."

The 'Hulk' as Ravi had whispered to Wombomtom led them to a manhole.

"Why are you taking us here?" asked Ravi.

The ground shook with laughter as the man laughed. "You are here to meet our leader, yes? Well, you first." The man grabbed them both by the scruffs of their necks and chucked them down. They listened as they heard a rock being pushed over the entrance.

"You'll never get out alive! That, I swear! If you do, I'll wear my pants inside out!" They all laughed and walked back to tell their employer the good news.

"How many times have a heard that before? 'You'll never get out alive!' Sometimes I think I'm not cut out for this work…"

In front of the two intrepid adventurers appeared a huge, hulking brute of a man, clad in little more than leather straps across his chest, heaving with the sheer ferocity of the man underneath, and a white loincloth. His face, scrunched with a mix of agony and hate, was heavily bruised and flagellated.

"Gnaargh!" he cried, drawing up two axes from the ground. "Big guys pay much for your heads!"

Ravi and Wombomtom looked at each other.

"Do I get the feeling the author has decided to, unwillingly of course, nick a character from a popular online multiplayer game?"  
There was a large pause. Even the hulking figure seemed confused. "Gnug?" he said, scratching his head with the blade of his axe.

"You do talk some rubbish sometimes, you know that?" whispered Ravi, intimidated by the size of Billy Two-Axes in front of him. Wombomtom, saying nothing, dove into the fray, parrying each slam of the axes with a quick two-step back and a thrust to the torso. Billy Two-Axes, infuriated, slammed even harder onto Wombomtom's sword- but he parried with extra vigour, pulling away the gigantic weapons of destruction with the intricate Elven blade. Thin as it was, it carried the blessings of the fey folk and was a gift from his wife. He knew it could parry any blow.

"Oh, come on. You call _that _a fight?" said Ravi, now equipped with a gigantic sign saying 'Fight Fight Fight'. "A level 1 noob with a severe leg impediment could do better than that, standing on his head, with a hand tied behind his-"

"Me no like talky midget!" shouted the brute, clubbing Ravi on the head with the blunt end of his axe.

"Thanks," said Wombomtom, nearly out of breath.

"No problem, long-named guy," shouted the brute, and began hacking at him again.

From the top of the manhole came, screaming, Qwerty, brandishing her claws.

"Hands off my husband you pea brained sonova-" she cried, and didn't finish- she had no need to. The two claws were imbedded in the ogre's skull, seeping with blood and covered in brain tissue.

"Yuck. Now get us out of here, Qwerty." Said Wombomtom, taking Ravi in his arms. Qwerty nodded and hurled a grappling hook over the edge of the manhole. They clambered out and headed to port, ignoring the glances of suspicious peasants as they walked by, covered in all manner of grotesque things.


	6. Its a Rum Thing

Right, sorry for the slow update, socail life caught up after hiding for six years. And I'm just lazy. Still, the author is eager for feedback, people! He deserves SOME comments!

Previous disclaimers apply.

Episode 6- It's A Rum Thing

_After discovering that Adams associate is not in Port Sarim, they decide to search on Karamja. Strange they should choose that island, mainly because of its rum._

"Have you got anything to declare?" Asked the immigration officer.

"Us? Oh no, we are a peacekeeping, loving, caring charity group. The GGSP. Giving Great Stuff to People. Ever heard of us?" Ravi picked up a rabbit nearby and started stroking it. The officer took the hint.

"Right, you can go, but I don't want you landlubbers pukin' on my baby. She's called the Ass."

Qwertyasda and Ravi started chuckling quietly.

"And what's so funny about that?"

Qwertyasda and Ravi nearly fell of the boat. "The…Ass….Oh my god, this'll kill me…"

"Exactly what I was thinking. Get to your cabins. If I hear one notion related to the bottom side of the body used for crapping, I'll have you both chucked overboard. Is that understood?"

They both grumbled and a green glow of anger started emanating from Qwertyasda. Wombomtom hurriedly stepped in front of them. The captain raised an eyebrow.

"What the hell is up with her? She looks like she had too many brussel sprouts."

Qwertyasda screeched and drew her claws and slit the mans neck. They all bended over to see if he was ok. They all sheepishly picked up his body and whistled innocently as they chucked the body into the ocean.

"That's sorted; but how the hell do you work this thing?" Tom dug his head into his hands. Ravi paused for a moment then answered.

"I have some sailing experience on the seas. Used to work at Tutorial Island. Weird place, I know, I used to ship noobs across the sea to Lumbridge. It was hard work, and gruelling pay, so I ended up on the streets as a freak of nature. Don't start crying for me. I can look after this ship while filing my toenails." He went up the poop deck to the ships wheel. "Let the sails down. Lets see how this ass farts into ignition."

_Later, in the Karamja Pub_

Like always, the crew ended up in the pub. They sat quietly in the corner, amidst the drunken dancing and spilled beer.

"These are strict orders. I know this Rum. DO NOT DRINK IT. Its twice as strong as Vodka. If you drink a full pint of it, I can guarantee you'll be sprawling over the floor in a matter of minutes."

"Too late. Look at Ravi." Qwertyasda nodded her head over to the vertically challenged Ravi dancing on the tables with a few pretty ladies. "Lets find a place to stay. We'll question the locals tomorrow. Your carrying Ravi, though."

"How convenient. Isn't that the mans job?"

"As you perfectly know, I'm not cut out for that work. Come on, lets go."

"I'm warning you, if you get drunk, I'm not carrying you, I'm dragging you." Ended Qwertyasda, lifting up the drunk and slumping him over her shoulders.

_One severe hangover and a day later…._

Ravi rose from his slumber feeling like someone had just whacked him over the head with an elephant. He shook his head and looked around. Great help. His vision was blurred so much he couldn't see anything. He heard voices approaching his room. He pretended to be asleep, in hope he would know who they are without reaching for the dagger in his pyjamas.

"Wakey, wakey, rise and shine…. Although you wouldn't be able to see the blue sky and sun with that much alcohol in you." He rose upwards just to see the green hair of Qwertyasda. _Phew. At least I wasn't caught by the coast guard, I must have woken half the island, _thought Ravi.

"Where…Where am I?"

"Where do you think? I had the _privilege _of carrying you to the Inn. You don't half weigh a ton. Wombomtom had the job of putting your PJs on. Don't worry, he didn't see anything I haven't seen… before I had my 'change.'"

"So what are we going to do today?"

"Question the locals about field research carried out on this island. This island apparently has plenty of scientific interest in its volcano. We're going to explore that last."

Wombomtom strode into the room with a purposeful look in his eye.

"Hello, Ravi. I hope your night was headache-less?"

"The headache just started, as soon as you entered the room, strangely."

Wombomtom put an angry look on for a split second, then went back to the conversation, as cool as a cucumber.

"Well, at least your attitude is in touch. I've decided to scrap the previous idea. We know where the main problem is going to be is: the Volcano. We are going there immediately."

_Has he NEVER had a hangover?_ Thought Ravi.

_Red Hot Inn, Karamja_

Qwertyasda led the front of the party, and Ravi slumped behind lazily. Suddenly a rock came out of nowhere and hit Ravi over the back of the head.

"Who threw that?" He shouted.

_Crump. _Another rock out of nowhere. Suddenly the whole party was getting bombarded with rocks and coconuts.

A monkey popped out of a tree and started giggling to itself. Qwertyasda jumped onto the tree and clung onto the trunk and slowly edged herself up it, all the while the monkey taunting her. She charged up a ball of energy and threw it towards the monkey. "Like throwing? Lets play catch."

The energy wasn't very powerful, a minor spell. But it was enough to knock the monkey of its perch and it fell of, squealing like a little girl. Ravi moved over to the monkey and smashed its skull with his warhammer.

"Wasn't that a bit of an overkill?" Asked Wombomtom.

"I hate monkeys. Annoying pests." Mumbled Qwertyasda, who was breathing heavily.

"Come on, lets go. We have work to do. Lets move out! You know, I've always wanted to say that." Shouted Wombomtom in a commanding tone.

They wondered over to the entrance of the Volcano. Qwertyasda started sniffing the air.

"What is it? What do you sense?" Asked Wombomtom.

"You may not like this, Tom, but this isn't just scientific research. I smell sacrifice. Human Sacrifice." Whispered Qwertyasda, who was bewildered.

"Lets stop this, then, and find out what insane fool is behind this."

They walked into the volcano, and stared. Into the magma pool they stared. And in the centre, was a huge pit, with red and black energy flowing out of it, into the air. Watching all this was a hooded figure sitting on a throne made of thorns. It couldn't be Jchan. So who was it?

A deep voice spoke to them. "I can see you. Do not try and hide. I could add you to the sacrifice, with the click of my fingers." The voice hummed in a deep tone with satisfaction.

"Who are you?"

The voice laughed with satisfaction, and the 'person' stood up from the throne. He drew his sword from a hilt, also made of thorns. Ravi couldn't resist the temptation. He readied an arrow and fired it at the thing. The thing flicked it away, as if it was an annoying fly. The body lifted off its cloak. And they saw the body of Shamir. But it couldn't be Shamir. The body was patterned with dark energy, and feet and hands which had turned into claws. The head cracked and looked up.

"Sorry to scare you, Wombomtom, is it? Ah yes. The leader of the GGSP. I have been _dying _to meet you, if you pardon the small joke."

"What the HELL happened to you?"

"I found the forces of Zamorak more…desirable then your pathetic naturists. Look at me! I am pure power, energy, beyond all recognition!" He turned away from the band, and jumped upwards. He beat his bat-like wings slowly in the air and turned back towards the gang.

"And now I must dispose of you. It was nice meeting you." He flung himself towards the band, but they were ready. Wombomtom ducked and Shamir flew into the wall. Not in the least put off, he turned around and flung his sword at Ravi. The sword opened up and a bunch of snakes writhed out, spitting venom at the gang. They backed off, only to remember they were on the edge of a lava pit.

"Watch your step. We don't want you falling off, now, do we? I want the satisfaction of bringing your bodies to Lord Zamorak." He drew another sword and took a stance, taunting them to come forward. Ravi, being an undisciplined swordsman, flung himself forward and met Shamir. Shamir laughed and parried all of Ravi's mediocre attacks, and pushed him back with his sword. Ravi stumbled back towards the party, who were unsure of what to do. Ravi thought of bowing and turn to the other side. To become a heretic to Guthix. He shook the idea out of his head. He wouldn't do that, to be shamed for life. Shamir started moving forward, chuckling quietly. He pounded his sword onto the ground. The earth on which all of them stood shook quietly. Cracks started to show in the ground.

_Whoosh._

Out of nowhere, an arrow flew and hit Shamir in the side. He howled out in pain. A small band appeared, with a slightly underweight fellow in the middle. He had short hair, barely visible because of the small helmet he wore on top of his head.

"Stop, demon. We know of your ways. Surrender now, or we send you up to the sky for Saradomins judgement. I don't think he'll be in a good mood."

Shamir, angry as hell, leapt towards the daemon slayer. He seemed to be very experienced against demons, because he knew all the weak points. He jabbed his sword in between the daemons legs. He grunted and fell to the floor. The slayer lifted up his sword, about to start the execution. But the Daemon beat its wings once again and flew into the top of the volcano, and out of its peak.

"Damn!" The slayer punched a nearby wall.

The band, still weary from their battle, ran for the entrance. But Wombomtom stopped. He looked at the Daemon Slayer, and asked his one question: "Do you know Adam?"

The figure, heading for the exit, turned around, intrigued. "What do you mean by that?"

"Adam. Professor Adam. Know him?" He was desperate to find out if this was what Adam meant. His death _must _have meaning.

The Daemon Slayer paused, resting on his sword. "Adam…it rings a bell…. Yes, I met him ages ago. He was conducting experiments in the Al-Kharaid Desert. He said he had found something extraordinary, something which would even out the world." He paused. "Why do you ask?"

"We are the GGSP; The Guthix Gospel Spreading Prophets. I have some news for you: Adam is dead."

The Slayer looked sad, but would not show it. "Very well. We must act. Me and my band will join you on the journey to Al-Kharaid. I gather that this Daemon seems to be following you. It'll be good for me if I destroy it. Oh, and by the way, my name is Syamack."

He mounted a nearby horse. "Well? What are we waiting for? Let us make haste!"


	7. The Last Huzzah

Well, second from last chapter. Cliffy? Most probably

Not much to say. I'll probably put up the next chapter tomorrow, as a sorry for updating later than planned.

Nothin' from Azan either. mind you, its not his fault he's minourly ill...

Reveiw for the sick author! It would help him get better!

Chapter 7: The Last Hurrah

"How much further? We're running out of water here, my skinny friend." Ravi checked his pockets for any sort of liquid. The only thing he found was a few handkerchiefs and a bogey. Ravi ate the bogey and carried on.

"Not far, Ravi. I know there is a waterhole around here somewhere…" Syamack paused. He didn't really. But it was best to keep hopes up.

Wombomtom took out his spyglass and looked on the horizon. He'd never been to the Al-Kharaid desert. The furthest he had been was the mines. But that meant nothing compared to the far east desert. It was vast, with few water supplies. Syamack dismounted and glimpsed the horizon. Waves and waves of heat. Ravi shouted out:

" I see an Oasis!"

He ran forward into the heat. Syamack shook his head. It was a mirage. Ravi dived into the 'water' and landed flat on his face, gulping in sand. Qwerty laughed. "You obviously don't know the desert!" She said, chuckling.

"I knew that was a mirage."

"Of course you did. Of course."

"Wait!" Wombomtom rose in his saddle of his camel and looked onto the horizon. Smoke was rising into the sky. "That's no mirage. Lets investigate."

They went into a gallop, the camels grunting under the weight they were carrying. As they got closer, they saw what looked like a temple. A load of standing stones, with a few wooden burning building nearby. Corpses littered the ground. Qwerty rolled over a body. "These men are Guthixian. This was a Guthixian outpost." She picked up a emerald amulet on the floor. The emblem of Guthix blazed on it, pulsing with nature.

The only thing that hadn't been destroyed was the temple, in the middle. They all marched towards it.

"_Help me."_

Wombomtom whirled around. "Did anyone hear that?"

"Hear what? I don't hear anything." Qwertyasda listened. She couldn't hear anything apart from the sand blowing in the wind.

Ravi cried. "Watch out!" A sickle flew over their heads. It landed in the stone, a whisker away from Wombomtom.

"Come back for more, eh? Zamorakian scum. I'll take you all!" It was a druid, in delirium. Qwertyasda held up her Guthixian Amulet high, in view of the old druid.

"Yes, yes. You are friends of Guthix. Welcome to my…humble abode." He giggled with laughter. "At least, it used to be. Swarms and Swarms of evil came across the desert. We fought them off as well as we could.." He spluttered out blood. "Their leader was like a beast I have never see before. I guess 6 feet tall, two large swords, and evil like never beheld."

"We've met him before." Whispered Ravi.

"What were they here for?" Asked Wombomtom.

"The vial…the vial of destruction."

Qwertyasda looked puzzled. "The vial of destruction…?"  
"Yes, the vial which evil has sacrificed much for. The elixir of life, the strength of the gods, and the intelligence of a thousand wizards. Long have we kept it, defended it from evil, but, now, we have failed Him…"

He fell to the floor and started whimpering. The whimper slowly faded, and the group had realised he was dead.

Qwertyasda, suddenly, fell into a trance. She was drooling incessantly and gibbering.

"The sacrifice has been made- the ritual is in place- at the Palace of Chaos's nephew…."

"Qwerty! Qwerty! Get a hold of yourself!"

"Wait a minute…she said 'Palace of Chaos's nephew…That's Jchan!"

Qwertyasda snapped out of her trance and back into the real world. She then, dramatically, fainted into the sand.

"Syamack, put her on the back of your horse. We're going to the Fort Of Despair, immediately.

Syamack gestured an 'o' with his fingers.

"Jchan, here we come!" Shouted Wombomtom, and fell off the back of his horse.

_Fort Of Despair, Wilderness_

"Excellent! Well done! Finally, the vial!" Jchan could not contain his excitement. 5 years, and he had finally got what he wanted.

"Austin! Come here!"

The servant bowed. "Yes, my lord?"

"Call the prison guards. Tell them to bring up the prisoners from the GGSP HQ raid. Prepare the sacrifice."

"Of course, my lord."

Austin rushed down the vast stairs. Jchan was finally to become immortal, and Shamir would be the final piece of this jigsaw.

He stared out of his window. The scaffolding for the tower was in place. The stones were being lofted into place. Soon the prisoners would confront their worst nightmares.

Suddenly, one of the captains of the guard burst through the door.

"Sir, a breach in the walls, south side! The remnants of the GGSP!"

"What?!?! Speak sense, imbecile!"

"Sir! Its true!"

"Too much beer, I think…I'll sort you out…" Jchan lifted his scythe and swathed a gap between the mans head and his neck. He chucked the head out of the window.

"And that's an example to the rest of you!"

_Wilderness Plains, South Gate of the Fort_

The GGSP jumped down the walls. The south gate was theirs. All they needed to do now was find their way to the centre; and that by itself was no easy task. Qwertyasda was busy crudely cremating the Zamorak guards on a large bonfire; that gave away their position. The usual members (and a few survivors from the Guthixian outpost) were working out their plan, stealing various weapons, and getting prepared. Qwertyasda, Wombomtom, Ravi and Syamack went up onto the wall to discuss the plan.

"Right. How long have we got to discuss this?"

A huge cry and beat of wings filled the air. Ravi considered the question.

"Erm…..about 30 seconds."

"Right. Here is the plan. Qwertyasda, Ravi- you go around the walls, taking down any guards you come across. If we need help, look for a large Daemon. Me and Syamack will go through to the centre. The rest will stay at the camp and help all of us when needed."

Qwertyasda sharpened her claws. "Sounds good to me."

"Then lets go!"  
Wombomtom and Syamack leapt off the walls (Syamacks slim body frame made the fall hurt him considerably) while Qwertyasda and Ravi stringed their bows.

"_This is it," Thought Wombomtom, "The Last Hurrah."_

_Wombomtom and Syamack, Path Of Doom_

"I never knew Jchan had a whole city here," Exclaimed Wombomtom. "I thought I was just a defensive fort."  
_Thud._

A huge crack emerged on the floor as Shamir jumped down from a nearby house. "Its Showtime, my friend."

"I was always better on stage, Shamir."

"You will pay for your arrogance, fool. Do you not know that this is the only path to the Underworld? Legions and Legions of dead, rotting humans once like yourself walk under your very feet. You know what they call this street? No? They call it the Path Of Doom."

"The only doom you will face will be your destiny."

With that remark Wombomtom and Shamir lashed out at each other, parrying and thrusting with their swords. Syamack drew his bow and fired a more than accurate shot into Shamirs side. This time, though, he withdrew it with no more than a small grunt.

"You hit me there last time, my friend. These are barely anything to me, just sticks." He withdrew it and chucked it with lightning speed back to Syamack. Wombomtom cried as he fought Shamir, "Run back to camp, Syamack! I will deal with this _beast._" Syamack, respecting his friends wishes, turned back to the camp.

_Qwertyasda And Ravi, East Fort Walls_

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7…." Qwertyasda, annoyingly, was keeping tracks of the archers she had killed with her claws.

"Qwerty, I have probably killed more than you in a lifetime." Said Ravi, as he fired another shot from his longbow towards a tower.

"I very much doubt it, Ravi. I…" She was interrupted by a huge bellow of a trumpet.

"That's Toms trumpet! Stay here, Qwerty- I don't want any guards on my back." Said Ravi, running back to the south gate.

"I'll hold them off for as long as possible."

"Thanks. And….." He paused. "And good luck, Qwerty."

Qwertyasda gave him a smile, then put an arrow in her bow and concentrated on the tower. 1 down, 99 more to go.

Ravi raced along the walls, being targeted by the fort guards. He weaved and dodged the magic attacks of the warlocks, and got to the guard tower. What a relief. He approached the threshold of the tower…..

"Well, well, if it isn't my old friend, who thinks he can sneak out of my fortress. Well, it doesn't seem as that is going to happen."

Ravi's voice turned into a snarl. "Jchan."  
"The very same. I have come to give you a proposition. You may surrender now and join my elite, or I will strike you down here and now. I give you a minute to decide."  
That minute was probably the biggest he had ever experienced- full of thoughts, betrayal, and deception. Should he betray his line of friends; the people who had help him get his life back on track? Or chuck it away for world domination.

Jchan had waited long enough. "Times up. What's your decision?"

Ravi put on the best act he could. "Jchan…you are my father."  
Jchan looked bemused. "What?!?!"

"Surprise, surprise." Jchan looked down, and saw a huge sharp thing sticking out his stomach. He screamed. He ran around the wall, blood pouring out of his stomach. Then he fell off the wall, a scream which was so unearthly Ravi did not forget it.

He wiped his forehead, and whistled a sigh of relief. That was it. Jchan had gone.

But what was going on? The ceremonial chanting was still going on in the centre- perhaps they did not know he had died. But that was impossible. His butler would have heard him….

His butler.

Ravi climbed down the wall and drew his sword back out of Jchan's stomach.

Austin Saul had taken Jchan's place.

_Sacrificial Tower, Fort Centre_

Austin Saul, eyes eagerly lit with a fire of eagerness, cried out to the guards, who were confused. Jchan was dead. The ceremony must stop.

"The ceremony is not stopping! The tower is in place, and Zamorak shall have me, instead of that fool."  
The GGSP prisoners, who were pulled up with the use of pulleys, were lined up on top of the tower. Austin read them their fate:

"Each and every one of you pathetic Guthixian scum will be thrown into this tower, one by one, and cemented in, for everyone to see your foolishness and stupidity. Many followers will come here as pilgrimage; and maybe for that you should be thankful."

He then cried the chant, as the prisoners were thrown in.

"Zamorak demands sacrifice! You will be the honoured ones, flesh, and blood!"

He delighted in the screams of the women, men and children as they fell into their doom. He couldn't wait for the cement to be poured in. He chuckled. This was great entertainment.

_The Path Of Doom_

Shamir withdrew, again, still on his toes. Blood trickled down his forehead. He wouldn't let this Guthixian beat him!

"Given up, yet, old friend? I was always better, you know." He gasped out the words. This fight had gone on for almost half an hour.

"Shut…up….imbecile!!!" He lunged at Wombomtom with his gigantic blade, cracking the floor slightly. Wombomtom dodged hastily.

Wombomtom cracked his neck, getting ready for the next attack. But none came.

Shamir was grasping his head, crying out in pain. What was happening? Wombomtom refused to strike the last blow.

"How…how have I failed, master? What has happened?" His chest, beating faintly, exploded open and a huge amount of flesh went with it. His eyes went wide open, bloodshot, and he fell backwards.

"I…have…failed…" His eyes closed slowly, and his hand slowly opened, dropping his blade. Tom dropped down to his knees, ready to mourn for his old friend. But then-

"_BLOOD! BLAST! AND FIRE!"_

A huge chant erupted from the centre of the fort. The tower was filled with screams and cries of help.

Suddenly, Wombomtom realised what had happened. Jchan had been killed. But by whom, and why was the ceremony continuing?

He reached for his sword. Kill first, ask questions later.


	8. The Finale

And here it is, the final chapter of such an epic-y story. sorry it took so long to get updated.

Azan doesn't want to give much away with an A/N, so nothin' from him.

I guess there's nothin' to say either, so I'll leave it at this. R&R. Enjoy.

_THE FINALE_

Qwertyasda, Ravi, Syamack and Wombomtom all headed to the centre of the fort at the same time, conveniently. What they saw was genocide at its worst.

Molten Lava was being poured down onto the victims, Wombomtom guessed. But then he looked at the edge of the tower. Faces, real enough, poking out from all sides. But at the top there was no Jchan.

It was Austin Power.

But this was not the simple butler Ravi had met before. He was a giant, two times larger than the tower. On his head had appeared horns, his hands turned into paws, and a slow snorting erupted from its nostrils. He grasped two swords, in each hand, which had been forged nearby for Jchan. But they had no purpose for a dead husk.

Austin snorted, "Give up now infidels, I can destroy half this fort with one click of my fingers. Shamir may have been able to destroy a volcano, my master a complex mountain hideout, but me, oh yes, I can do much, much more than that."

A small glow appeared in Qwertyasda hand. "Not when I'm living, beast of torture. If I go down, I'm taking you with me."  
The beast looked down. "Putting up a fight, eh? Well- all I can say is I pity your mislead souls."

Austin roared and swiped the area with his sword, towers nearby collapsed and guards fell off the nearby north wall. The group ducked and narrowly missed the enchanted blade. Qwertyasda let her magic missile (Missile Of Nature) fly into its face. The creature howled, clutching its eyes in pain.

Ravi spotted a small ball on the edge of its tail.

"The tail! The weak spot's the tail!"  
Ravi ran over to the creatures tail and struck it several times with his warhammer. It cried out again, in pain. Blindly it struck the ground with its swords, hammering the ground. The group jumped clear, again narrowly missing the whirling blades. Qwertyasda charged up a quick binding spell and it struck the creature in the face.

"This is only temporary! The destined one, by prophecy, must kill it with the elven sword of light!" Qwertyasda shouted, above the hum of the powerful spell. The power was slowly draining out of her.

"But…" Wombomtom gormlessly thought. "You gave that to me Qwerty. A anniversary present.."  
Qwertyasda was not amused. "Will you bloody finish off this creature, or shall I bite it for you?"

Wombomtom held his sword high and charged at the body, which was struggling to get up, and jumped at it. The sword cut through the creatures flesh, dismembering it. Then Wombomtom struck, struck, and struck again, the creature groaning and howling. Then he stuck the sword right in its face. It wasn't moving. They had done it.

Then a small rumble.

"It's the last of its power! It'll kill us with all the rest of its might!"  
"What do we do?" Asked Ravi.

"RUN!!!"  
The group dodged falling towers and crumbling walls, sprinting as fast as they could to the edge of the walls. They ran past the temporary camp. The last of the invasion force had already scarpered.

They all jumped out of the gate. Then a huge explosion of purple engulfed the debris of the fort. Anybody who had survived all the falling buildings had been destroyed by that.

"Well," Said Wombomtom, "No one can say this adventure didn't go out with a bang."

Ravi decided to cash in on the opportunity. "Oh, ha-dee-ha. We escape a creature bigger than two castles, and all our 'witty' leader can think of is a small-timer gag."

Qwertyasda and Wombomtom gave each other a small kiss. Ravi didn't exactly like the idea.

"That's just gross."  
"You think that's gross? You have to kiss Syamack." They all laughed. "Hey, where is Syamack, anyway?"

They all saw a small figure walking off into the distance. Qwertyasda called out, "Hey, Syamack, where are you going? We're a team!"  
He turned around, gloomy. "My job is Daemon slaying. I do not have time for you. I missed out on all the action…. But never mind that. You should be on your way back to headquarters."

Wombomtom retaliated. "We have no headquarters, they were burnt down."  
But Syamack had already disappeared into the thick Wilderness fog.

"Where do we go now?" Asked Ravi.

"Back to the pub, we need a kingdom to save." Replied Qwertyasda, obviously quite keen on the idea.

"You can count me in, if your paying for the drinks."

"Firsts rounds on me!" Cried Wombomtom, and they all laughed again.

They had saved a whole world, but not a soul knew.

THE END


End file.
